...Like me. Life is unfair since the beginning and we need to move on. Sometimes , no place , no one could listen us , ourselves , the deepst scream in our heart. It's place to get to know a med student who's bout to ready to ROAR! Here is the escapee for running tired souls like me XDD
And try to understand what I say when I say I can't stay
I, I'm moving on from this place
I'm leaving and I won't quit running away."
When the place get so quiet and I can't sleep, the box of memories about certain person will open up at this time. Just say ,I m the type of hard letting go and my coping mechanism is..running away.
Still the first person , the first guy taught me there's love exist influenced me the most.
During secondary school, after the break up, I've cried.I didn't let parents know about it.Just depressed mood.Whenever, whatever I did and wherever I am , I 'll remember everything he said.I put too much in it.Although it's just short time we have been together, but it hurts.
Now, when I recalled it yesterday, it still ache somewhere in my heart.After the break up,I did something stupid but it's true in my life : I swear to God , I wont fall in love again and devoted whatever He let me to do(at that time is studying). And I hold the promise , till deep into bone and I'm been single all the time.I feels touched when 2 person in the world, come together and decided to get married.Attended the wedding today, may God bless the couple :)
I think either God answers my prayer or it's just my harden-heart , so I wont feel love anymore.
Remember the first post of elective posting in Forensic department?
Let's continue!
Forensic posting part 2 XDD
So, weekdays staying over relative's house during attachment and meanwhile weekends I 'll back to home, to exchange the clothes , books and stuffs. I wonder if someone noticed that , when there's a baby at home, the smell of milk and...diapers are everywhere...it's just my OCD personality and I dont like the smell attach to me,so I'll wash everything when I go back home. @.@ It doesnt related to I like paeds. Paeds ,Im treating pt and play wif them but I'm not literally take care of the kid's personal daily need, so I rationalise it to be a normal reaction XDD
Few days ago , the students studied in Russia , Diana , Chua and Wong had finished their clinical attachment, gonna miss them much :) We had lunch together and chit chat XD And on their last day, Diana, a cute gal from Moscow University , gave me a surprise cake , Orea cheese cake! (I think @.@) Hehe,thanks gal , wish u all the best for ur future undertaking! <3 <3
Just left me and another USM student, Shalene ,huhu~ Well , sometimes our recess is different time so I get my own lunch when she's still busy with ward round :) And joined one of the CME of the week presented by 2 houseman.
#CME ongoing :)
When one of the week, I reached home from aunt's place.I saw this! Tadaa! A friend of mine sent me a post card from taiwan XD Muahaha, thanks a lot for the wishes.Let us grow up together , spiritually <3
Miss her a lot :')
Few friends are still contactable when this time of age.People working , have own family and career.Me? Still stuck in medical schoo ( It's almost end, fighto!)
Promised myself not gonna drink caffiene stuff and I ended up buying this together with my taco pie(freshly baked) =..= Caffiene stuff makes me tachycardic and keep rushing to toilet >///< , hate it!
Before I ended forensic , received this letter from JKN too! As previously my university set the rule, one student must do a minor and a major posting for elective(veli mafan de ><) So I changed my posting from Anaes to Paediatric <3 It get approval later on: )
Yo! Hello , August <3
It's my first post in this month , cuz I'm quite tired / x inspired to write anything for the last 2 week.
So now since it's raya holiday and I wanna relieve some issues while I'm doing my attachment in JB.
Okay, like this , I started my posting as elective student @ HSI, JB on 29 last month , in Forensic department. While waiting the form to filled in , so I was sitting AO and accidentally met an ex-kmj friend :) And as well as meeting new friends but...only me and my friend(ex-kmj) were the MOST senior medical student doing elective there @,@
Then I was informed to go by my own to Forensic department after I got the letter need to summit to respective department's HOD. I got lost twice n kept asking the security guards in HSI..Dumb me =..=
Then finally managed myself to get into the department , I was been brought by Dr.Yazid , a 4 month experienced M.O. Forensic, HSI to do some introduction around there.And I met 4 of the M.O.s , ppk and M.A. s too.They are friendly and welcomed me to that department. But I haven't met the HOD yet on my first day so I'm basiccaly don't know what to do and one of friend was doing forensic elective posting at the same time (but different hospital) I would be to need my own laptop.Guess what? Dr.Yazid did asked me to bring so I could do some reading by using e-book/PDF book while there's no case in the department.
Maybe people thought they are free most of time (can't deny it @.@) But mostly they are doing their case reports dat accumulates for long time.They need to release case report a.s.a.p. as this is consider medico-legal thingy.It's better keep anything safe. As,HOD said "You'll never know when u 'll die, so everything should be ready as backup." On the first day , I ' m mote like to introduce myself to all staffs there. Basically, chit chat.
Plus , the drs there... were all male drs...I'm the only student doing attachment there and the only female in the department that day (HOD and science officer were not around that time). Met , Dr. Hazlin , a new M.O. (2 weeks after his h.o. ) garduated from UKM introduced me about Forensic stuffs and application of H.O. in HSI and about HSI. And basically on the first day I was thought back home by myself by bus..but UNEXPECTEDLY, I got lost again in hospital >///< (Yeah , I feel I wanna slap myself either!) And get so LUCKY , my old friend of mine smsed me there's no public transport (which is been cancelled route to hospital for long time ago when I was away , study in T'ganu, shit!)
I've waited my dad after work n come to fetch me, which is 4 hours after 5pm I leave HSI. Damn sucks ending of the first day!
On my second day , I started to bring my laptop and got some e-books, all about forensic pathology , RTA books and stuffs , so I start my reading.And then I was called to the HOD office and I was expecting it too , so I bring along the letter i received earlier from Administration Office(AO) and Dr. Rohayu is a kind and welcoming my presence to the department and once again introduce the department of her pride :) She was actually a surgeon which doesn't want a robotic life in OT and enjoyed forensic previously exposure , so she get into deep in forensic and currently she is forensic anthropologist :)) (Study about bones).
Few day laters I got a chance to see a case, MI patient (MI = Myocardial infarction = heart attack) in the post mortem room. Dr.Hazlin conducted the post mortem process and basically I'm observing the case first for the first time in HSI XDD. Asked many anatomy questions , some were answered and some I couldnt
--> Neuroanatomy...OMG, dat's my killer point! Shit.I swear gonna study it!
So I went and revise the circle of Willis , brain lobes , STN and the skull...gosh...forensic is a place to polish my rusty anatomy knowledge, i was too focused on medicine @.@~
But thanks again to all drs willing to teach and guide me during the posting.Dr.Chong giving some tips of study too. Dr. Aaron discussed terms in forensic commonly used.Hehe :)
On the second week , I started to dare myself to touch the organs.It doesn't feel the same with d specimen available in campus.It's very REAL. The softness of spleen , the firmness of liver , crispy atheroma in the aorta and creps of lungs! Wohoo <3 Girls out there may like mmake up and shopping makes them happy but for me , these things fascinates me more! (I do like shopping too but u nvr know when u see with ur own eyes!) And I remembered the roughness of infarcted area in the MI patient. I helped out the drs in charge to weight each organs.Wonder if I could learn the technique of sutures next week (my last week)? Should grab the oppoturnity! "Be more proactive " --> Quoted from HOD Forensic HSI :))
P/S : Because of inconvenience of going to HSI every morning from my house , so parents decided to let me stay over in relative's house , just nearby to HSI , 15min distance.And I travel there by taxi.Sounds rich? =..= I dont know how parents think about it but they never trusted me. I was very upset for they broke the promise to let me learn to and drive to HSI. I'm very disappointed about it. I didn't speak to my parents for 1 whole night after the incident til they decided to let me stay over relative's house. I mean, why and how they supposed to lock me in the house without going out from the house at all and not mixing around with my friends? HEY , I M NOT BORN TO BE A HOUSEWIFE , JUST SITTING AT HOME AND DO ALL HOUSEWORK, I DON'T WANT SUCH LIFE!
During the weekend , they came and fetch me.At home , they start to nag why I wasn't do housework to help them as if i doesn't exist and just keep listen to songs , on laptop and do my readings. I did my job , doesn't I deserve to have my own little time to watch an hour drama? Aren't they supposed to know and get ready about their daughter is not housewife type but a workaholic type? When i was just about to going out with a friend , just to have a gathering and dad yelled over the house and start about his nagging about money and stuffs. COME ON , YOU CAN BUY UR CIGARRETTES WHICH COST RM15 PER PACK AND U BOUGHT FOR 2 PACK PER DAY , YOU DIDNT CALCULATE HOW MUCH U HAVE SPENT AND I WAS JUST BOUT TO HANG OUT WITH A FRIEND AND HAVE A TEA WHICH COST RM10 ?! WHERE IS THE LOGIC?! No financial problem so don't worry but just illogical thinking of parents want to lock their daughter for her SAFETY =..= the more u forbidden something , I will be more rebel.
I had enough about lies and stupid stuffs I had in T'ganu. and the same thing happened at home, I NEED PEACE! It's better for me stay over maidam, T'ganu and do my attachment there.At the beginning , it was parents decision , was so sure that there is no transport problem and allow me to drive when im going to HSI and NOW WHAT?!
I'm more unstable mood than I'm in T'ganu@.@ As long I didn't meet that few people and less contact with people I least like to handle , my life will be much peaceful in T'ganu. Church at there, the aunty is nice and some students.Just dislike of some's attitude.I 'm doing what I should do and carry my responsibility and it's your failure that makes doesn't feel belongs to that church and don't gimme that look when I'm around the church. I like my own religion but I hate people who pretend to be religious but their own attitude sucks.Even God doesn't judge me and who are you to judge me?
I feel I doesn't like to go back home anymore.Home doesn't feel like home.It's just...money talks.
More than a week at home ,I'm already feel sucks. Maybe some of out there like to have a life like mine, "so called happy family". If ur parents r control freak like mine and having a brother just care about himself and expecting money just enter his pocket, Im sorry then!
I feel hospital is more like my home than "home-home" now. Planning to go FAR AWAY from home during working so I could have my own life
As my life can't run away from :wake up - exercise - cooking for lunch - wash clothes - cook for dinner - online/read books/watching tv - sleep.
I'm might look like I'm doesn't happy to have a break from school @.@
It's not I'm not enjoying my holiday, I do!
But this is not the life I would like be.
After hang out with an old friend of mine and chat for couple hours.
Our place of hang out r nvr changed : McD , muahaha :))
But seriously, for the sake of McD meal , I starved the whole day cuz the calorie is SCARY!
Well, I m just freak out about calories. I don't wanna waste the calorie I burnt after heavy and tiring work out.
Since the beginning of weight loss plan , I 'm doing cardio exercise most. For strength exercise , I choose to do later on after certain weight loss :)
So, for the last week till today , my regular work out schedule are :
Sunday : Jogging for 1 hour
Tues : Skipping + jogging 1hour
Thursday : Zumba for 1 hour
Weekend : H.I..I.T.
I 've tried H.I.I.T. but unfortunately, I can't make it. It's too stressful to me as I feel choked up when I'm doing it for 5 minute =..= kinda useless.
Then I modified my exercise schedule and found out it's more of my type as I like to dance, so currently I'm doing :
As long I 've completed 1 hour work out , I can sit down and have some rest @.@
I found I can't do more than 1 and half hour as I feel tired and bored.It's better to have a companion to exercise ;)
I read so many weight loss success stories , losing how many pounds la , eating what la , drinking what la~Bla bla bla. I can't do exercise everyday so I choose to do alternate day. At least let my muscles have some rest before continue burn more fatssssssss >//<
I need to reschedule my workout again next week since Im starting my clinical attachment , wish me all the best :))
Randomly searching new songs to brighten my mood nowadays @.@ , I'm VERY bored at home.
Well, If I started to get busy, I 'm complaining when is the off day, contradict myself, idiot =.=
K, intro a new song from a Kpop band : Beast - Shadow. Just my taste , wanna get some emotional into me ;p
Finally, I'm able to finish my assignment on time :)) Happy cuz one of my to-be-accomplished list is done! ^_^
This is first of my lifetime, I need to mail my assignment =..= UniSZA is the BEST university ever!
#grrrrrrrrrrr
Anyway, tomorrow should be able to wake up earlier and go to post office to mail this >.<
Books to read and I'm syaing bored? I've must be crazy =.= Please save meeeeeeeeee *crawl*
19/7/2013 , it was my lil brother 's 18th birthday :) Happy birthday! ^_^ Thanks to God for ur existance to irritates me XD Well, all the best for your future undertaking :)
Saw the list?
I broke the rule today for the exemption , today is cheating day! XD
Gonna work harder tomorrow,fighto! Weight loss plan started one week ago and it went well ;)
Gathering with a cute couple , xinyi and edward , hope God continuously bless this couple and their child :)
Well, I did spent a quality time at home, besides accomplished my assignments for short period and completed my forensic medicine notes, started with my weight loss plan and I enjoyed couple books I bought with BB1M , it was like 2 month ago? ;)
That time, I used up almost RM200 BB1M to buy my stationaries and books.Most of them are motivational genre and mostly are in mandarin.Gonna polish my reading skills in mandarin cuz I didn't write or speak mandarin at home @.@
So, this is the book I was reading and still~~#tadaa !
It was saying, "Learn to love yourself - 32 notes to make you love yourself more"
The reason I bought this book, actually I was randomly choosing some books and found this one and its title attracts me , it says u gonna love urself more after reading this, sounds narcissist isn't it? T.T But it's actually motivates me to cherish myself and enjoy life --> being single.
It's nothing bad about single and I do envy if a couple being lovey dovey in front of me, BUT ,I can't simply fall in love with some random guy out there. And I have no intention to get into any serious relationship, YET.
I'll just be ready to be more better, more wonderful me, while the stupid prince charming who is still ost his direction come to me ,ugh, haha XD
What's so special about this book?
Well, I love this quote the most and keep me continue reading it till now :
For example, if you are student right now, fall in love with someone makes your result gets better, but if you just "crazy" about him/her , your result will be dropped from top to bottom.
Why this quote is so special?
Becuz I used to think that falling in love during studies is not my thingy and it makes me hard to concentrate.BUT this quote changes my opinion.It doesn't matter if you are a student or working, as long the love between you and him/her, makes you wanna putting effort for better future and built up your confidence, the girl/guy must be your Mr./Ms/ right !
If you've been dragged and so demotivated to do things and your life becomes miserable, you better choose leaving that person and lead a better, single life!
To choose a partner that makes you grow, in all ways, not to bring you down ;)
As the bible said ,
Proverbs 19:14 House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord.
So whoever haven't marry yet, should put it into your prayer list and God will show the way ;)
But, at the same time, keep improving yourself ,get on new workout or read different kind of books and learn some magic or skills. Work in God and He will shine your way :)
Lunchie today <3
After heavy-load exercise, I'mma cook something god for my lunch : Spaghetti with homemade tomato sauce! (Y)
Lucky my workout enough to cover this heavy calorie meal XD
I have more spiritual books to read during the holiday! Thanks aunty for posted these awesome great books to gimme some spiritual input during sem break <3
Wasted 3 days at home, as I said , 3 days like years at home.
Workaholic XD
Besides reading, I should get to do something different!
Regular to do list of mine =.= Kinda bored.
Yesterday I've just got permission to drive again, wohoo <3 !
So I will be busy to catch up "how to drive" as it's quite sometime I didn't drive :(( Thanks Danial for encourage me to drive~
And finally got that spirit to start my WEIGHT LOSS plan. Today just done an hour jog with grandma's acoompany XDD (she's just walking around) and some sit ups. Felt great after exercise, and it does..a natural stress-relieving method :)
It's Quaker's oatmeal and Anlene Chocolate flavour milk , my regular breakfast , after work out today :)
And great! I can resist food temptation when there's a bazaar market just IN FRONT of my house.Fine!!! I don't believe I can't do it, just watch and see, wakakaka!
My homescreen wall paper, fighto!
Simple and fabulous , nyum!
Just love home cook <3
I hope my diet plan would be a successful one, today is successful one, hope more great days coming! :))
I'm always believe --> Diet control 80% + exercise 20% actually helps in cut kilos.
It doesn't mean exercising is not useful , but it did raise your basal metabolic rate and control the food intake is much direct cut down calories! So...I should stop binge on sweet stuffs ><
She can cut off 27kg in 6 month, I can do it too! *fighto*
Okay, it was like years after 3 day staying at home.Yeah,Im kinda workaholic =.=
Doing my forensic medicine revision at home
*bad handwriting =..=*
And so I've started to do regualr routine : do laundry , cook , study and dramas.
I've completed 2 series of "Criminal minds" , just <3 Matthew Gray Gubler & Thomas Gibson and... haha! All the crew rocks!
From the 6th or 7th series, there's an episode talked about a man who's attracted to females with certain physical traits which sexually appealing to him. He may not seeing it but there's a similar pattern in those woman he had killed. "Blond , white, tall & left eye is little sloppy" (Of course , that's the script in the drama). So I searched some info about it and found it yeah, definitely right!
Have you even notice, for example , me personally , like tall guy , sharp but not too narrow jaw , baby face and smiley eyes. And when I look up the guys I've attracted to , all of them were the same type! *shock*
Time flies and it comes to an end for my semester 8.
That's the end of my year 4 , out of 5 medical student years.
I'm more emotional about this as I was thought the time passing slowly in my life and hate this feeling : to grow up.
It may sounds immature though, but unfortunately, I feel sad and something I couldn't apprehend easily.I dislike almost everything in the place where I've studied for 4 years now.But I'm kinda miss the place.
The time is ticking.Maybe my classmates doesn't feel what I feel. But that place, taught me many lessons.Tough ones.Especially in people.I'm still learning.But I will , one day, move on.
Maybe I'll laugh when I recalled those memories.
So,I've ended my forensic medicine posting as well as my year 4. And the first thing I need to do after exam was packing my stuff and ready to heading home.And yeah, now I'm home.Although the situation doesn't change but home is always the warmest place when your heart goes cold.
Soon (2 weeks later), I will be starting my clinical attachment in Hospital Sultan Ismail. I'm lil worried , excited and... nervous? Haha! It's my first time doing attachment in another hospital and I m doing alone ,so kinda freak out.But hey , it's not me alone :) There's people same as me , just to make sure I'll study well before it's too late @.@
2 weeks break for me isn't enough to ready those notes and many books need to read(as usual). As far i could do is revision on my forensic notes. Gosh, kinda workaholic isn't it? XD
Well, I can't just do nothing for whole day without touching books / notes =.=
*KEEP HOLDING ON*
I talk to myself
Sometimes you need some advice to yourself, to remind yourself
not to drown with emotions and burdens.
I knew clinical attachment of mine doesn't go smoothly as I thought.
And recently , emotions get hurt easily.
Yeah,I' m sensitive. I hope I'm not.But that makes me unique.
I 'm positive with that :p
With assistant monitor 's job, need to work with bunches of so called "adult" which like to follow their own brain , exhausted.
My notes are almost covered.Now i left one seminar to present tomorrow and CPGs to cover.
I'm quite nervous actually @.@
Well, I want to do well. Although he doesn't know, but I wish he can be the motivation of study.Although now, we are far away from each other...
Although , we are never be together :'(
I know the rules, no need one to tell me.I'll walk away.
Accidentally found he is a johorian too! Proud to be state mate of him!
Aish, Im such a pabo.Why I didn't take initiative to chat with him when free time?
Just casual " where you stay? where u live in KT? Where u graduate? when is it?" bla bla bla ...
Now all the words I wanted to say is just...swallow it.
I can never have a chance to talk or see him anymore.
I allow myself to cry for 5 minutes.And that's it.Jinjja pabo ah...
I've counted how many times when we met each today.
Not by me.By him.
3.
Morning , around 8am
Saw him in the car, with his striking hair style.That's how I recognise him.Saw he's driving, a car with a plate "JXX" , hey, he's probably a johorian, yohoo! (my heart thump so loud).Confimed it's him when he parked his car.
I walk down from uni van.Saw him walk to my path. Actually , he's walking to me cuz I'm standing in front of the door =.= K,I know it's stupid. And our eyes doesnt meet, I'm glad.Cuz I'm so nervous in front of him @.@
Can't help!
Morning , around 8.30am
I'm the presenter for case presentation for BST today.Actually, specialist called him regarding administration matter.Just listen to people calling his name,imagine he's on phone, GOD , please calm my heart!
And guess what? I don't know my God, you are teasing me? He knocked and entered the room.Our eyes met and my eyes, I guessed I'm embarrased myself this morning @.@ Should I knock my head on wall right now?!
He's talking and I'm listening.Listen quietly his voice.I tell myself , I wanted to remember you as much I can.
Look at him and hide my feelings.I want to remember the smile of yours.I knew it doesn't belongs to me though.But it'll be my strength to continue my studies :) Thanks so much for being my motivation everyday to clinic and learnt a lot from him.
Before he left the room, I captives his smile.That smile, can I just have it? only belongs to me.
11am , 1 hour before leave for lunch.
Again, the meeting was unplanned.A psy patient was on psychosis. He look after him. Just love the side of his profesionalism. Thanks to that , my motivation~
And I say , hey , goodbye!(In my heart, I leave with content heart)
As for elective posting , I'm actually quite worry about it.But as long I believe Him and I done my part , I'll just trust in Him as He never fails to provide me :)
This is the result when you are pushing yourself too far :(
But it turns out it's expired =..= (Old stock of my medicine). So I have to bear it for another 2 hours to buy it.And today went to clinic, after case presentation with Dr.K , a friendly Family Medicine Specialist , prescribed this :
Aish, I should take care of my body instead spoil it =.=
K, say sorry to myself (Sorry! 90 degree bow) XD
Topic of seminar - Child & adolescent health.However, my part basically cover this --> sexual abuse in children and adolescent. Read through articles and reference book to prepare this :
Found myself today, oh I found myself and ran away
Something pulled me back, voice of reason I forgot I had
All I know is you're not here to say what you always used to say
But it's written in the sky tonight
So I won't give up, no I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong, even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me
Seen that red light, and it's shining on my destiny
Shining all the time, and I won't be afraid
To follow everywhere it's taking me
All I know is yesterday is gone, and right now I belong
To this moment to my dreams
So I won't give up, no I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong, even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me It doesn't matter what people say
And it doesn't matter how long it takes For leaving yourself and you'll find
And it only matters how true you are Be true to yourself and follow your heart
So I won't give up, no I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong, even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
That I won't give up, no I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong, even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
That someone's watching over,
someone's watching over
someone's watching over me
Tired? Exhausted? Feeling lost?
The most scariest thing is not physically exhausted , it's mentally exhausted.
There's nothing wrong in reality , eveything turns up well.But the problem is you feel something "wrong" inside you.
I do feel it sometimes , when I feel lost and I lost myself.
I let myself drowning into emotional moments. It's quite tiring to keep holding myself and keep guarding myself cautiously.
I let go , I'll go crazy , eating cakes , exercise and sweating , reading motivational books and travel.
Sometimes, we should let the "inner" self let out , allow ourselves to breath , of course not to say to allow yourself get engaged with drugs , pills or alcohol or other naughty stuff :p
Allow myself to rest , to be lazy , once a time. Not bad.
Do so, to continue life journey even it's tough. Everyone 's keep searching their aim of life and keep changing ,so do I :)
Few days ago , the students studied in Russia , Diana , Chua and Wong had finished their clinical attachment, gonna miss them much :) We had lunch together and chit chat XD And on their last day, Diana, a cute gal from Moscow University , gave me a surprise cake , Orea cheese cake! (I think @.@) Hehe,thanks gal , wish u all the best for ur future undertaking! <3 <3
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